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Do Opposites really attract?
Cebu Daily News
July 13, 2005
Page 19 - 20

WE’VE heard it all before. Guy meets girl. They like each other. They go out. After a while, however, they’re caught in a rut. What attracts us to particular people can be totally different from how we are compatible to them. Two people can love each other dearly, respect and admire each other, yet not move in the same direction. The most important aspect of a long-term relationship is having mutual goals, values and principles in life. That ensures that the two of you will be moving in the same direction and will be able to offer each other companionship and support (not opposition) along the way.

Opposite personalities could work out in the long term. For the most part, ensuring open communication lines is key to a steady relationship. No one can claim to have a smooth one -- the road to commitment is oft littered with bumps and skid marks. Take the case of Katrina dela Costa, 27. She's been thinking of "the next step" (marriage) with her boyfriend of four years, "but from our discussions about the future, we increasingly seem to be mismatched. I am pretty ambitious and want to work hard to create a good life, including owning a nice car, having dinner with friends at posh restaurants, traveling to Maldives with our puppy ... My boyfriend, however, wants a simple life. He wants to stay at home after work, cook dinner and watch episodes of 'Lost.' My friends tell me how lucky I am to get such a down-to-earth guy, but I find myself wishing he had more drive in life and ambitions that match mine. I'm tired of being the leader in this relationship. I know we both love each other dearly, but is there really any future for two people with such different outlooks on life?"

Many people decide to settle down, hoping that they will change the person, or that in time, because the person loves them so much, they will decide to change themselves. This seldom happens. Sometimes a person does grow or change, but never because someone else wants them to. Personal growth and development only arise from an individual's experiences and can take many years to unfold.

To enter marriage - or any long-term relationship - with the hope of changing your partner is a great mistake that can cause friction, conflict, and frustration within the relationship and feelings of low self-worth for your partner. When you feel your mate is not the kind of person you want to be with, the other person feels that nothing they do can ever make you happy. But there may be nothing basically wrong with your mate - just with this particular match. In fact, your mate could very well make someone else quite happy, and you could be satisfied as well with someone who had more of the qualities that you want in a relationship.

On Katrina's case, she needs to focus on how independent she is, more than how she can get her boyfriend to settle down and spend more time outside of the home. The reason is that in a relationship, partners need to be both close to each other and independent, too. A partner that is cheating is a different scenario. This is all about different personality traits or even ambitions that may polarize couples to the other side of the fence. For example, one half of a couple is dedicated to a career. The other is perfectly happy having a job and staying in the comforts of the home.

It's normal for people to sacrifice time with their partner when long-range goals are on the line. If you cling to the person too much, you impede his growth, and that doesn't help. Worst-case scenario is that he or she'd feel suffocated.

If one partner is clingy, the best thing that person can do is to find out what his long-term goals are. Imagine yourself five years from now. If you can't do that, star t brainstorming about where you might want to end up. Or if you can see that far down the road, examine whether your happiness will depends upon another person's love. The truth is that you will never be happy if your satisfaction depends on another person. Come up with at least three things that you can achieve for yourself by yourself.

You can start with short-term remedies. Right now, develop your closeness with friends and do things that are meaningful to you, so that you can develop your identity separate from your significant other. A relationship should be two full whole people, sharing with each other. When he's busy studying, you can be growing and working on yourself!

What you need and want in a long term is not there in your present situation. If you realize this now, you will save the both of you a lot of grief and struggle later on. Make sure you let your partner know that this has nothing to do with your love for him but that your life forces are pointed in different directions. There is a beautiful saying that goes, "Love is wanting for the other what he wants for himself, even though you may not be the one able to give it to him."