CAN we still be friends? If I let her go, will she come back mechanism, a shield that we unconsciously put up to guard ourselves to me? How do I move on, even if he treats me terribly?

These are but some of the questions that singles of all ages deal with as they come to terms with a relationship. Letting go is a difficult thing to do for most people, and it’s human nature to find comfort in things that remain the same. This is true for jobs, friendships, marriages and so on. But why do we resist change? We resist out of the fear that if we let go of what we know, we will be faced with circumstances we can't handle.

Our resistance is a natural protective mechanism, a shield that we unconsciously put up to guard ourselves against pain. But in the end, resistance doesn’t protect us as much as it robs us of our right to heal, especially in the case of separation.

Jenny Cordero, 26, stayed with her ex for more than five years, even if she was aware of his infidelity. Her friends warned her about the guy’s other dates, and at first she was angry, but later on pretended to be oblivious when he told her that she was his one true love. Finally, she confronted herself and broke up with him. But even after a year, Jenny could not stop thinking about her ex, even if she is dating another man right now. In fact, she confessed that she silently.

Compares the new guy with the ex, and it’s inhibiting herself from truly opening up her heart once more.

Bryan Sales, 27, has a similar situation. He has a difficult time letting go of a girlfriend of a little over a year. It was the first “real” relationship he’s ever had.

“For the last couple of weeks she was distant, inattentive and annoyed with me almost all the time,” he narrates. “When we finally sat down to talk about it, she told me that she loved me, but was not ‘in love’ with me. I don’t understand what that means. After a lot of crying and thrashing on my part, she decided to say ‘bye-bye.’ And she still wants to be my friend. She says that was the most important part of our relationship. She still calls me and wants to talk like we always had. I let her break my heart every time because I miss her so much. Just to hear her voice gets me through the day. But I’m left feeling empty because it’s not enough for me. She’s getting what she wants -- a friend out of me. I’m left hurt and empty. I don’t know what to do.”

Assess your self-worth.

Bryan and Jenny have to ask themselves why they got drawn into a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. The first step is to take a look at themselves and ask if they deserve better. Why are they in the relationship for so long? Are they afraid of losing their loved ones, or of being alone? These are hard questions, but according to Sherry Amador, author of “Love Lessons from Bad Breakups” (Penguin Press): “Until you feel worthy of someone who will treat you well, you will only attract people who treat you badly. You are not necessarily hurting because you’re missing someone, but because you haven’t worked through the leftover pain. A relationship can haunt us when we don’t fully understand what happened, why it happened or why we reacted as we did. What you are really missing isn’t this man or woman, but your own self-respect and self-esteem. You have a longing to return to that person to get closure -- to feel good about yourself, to get proof that you are loveable and understand why he or she behaved as they did.”

Informal studies even show that many women seem to want to be in --or return to --abusive relationships because they are stimulating; your ability to be loved, wanted and treated well are being challenged. But getting involved with your ex (or one like him) isn't the answer. The answer is to understand yourself more fully and also to understand the true nature of love.

Love yourself first.

The most important thing you can do is love yourself, get to know yourself and respect yourself. Then and only then will you be ready for a relationship. You cannot persuade him to change his mind or ways, no matter how much you try or think you can. And don’t take him back if he comes to you. As the saying goes, “A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” And as history has proven, the two of you together is a lose-lose proposition.

While thinking this over, consider another very important question: “Why do I want a relationship?” There are good reasons and there are bad reasons; one of the worst is to try to complete a part of yourself that you feel is missing. How many times have you heard someone say that they will finally be totally happy when they meet their soul mate? In fact, you could have even said this to yourself regularly.

Remember that one individual will not make you feel whole if you feel incomplete. All relationships take work. The idea promoted in fairy tales -- that you will meet your Prince (or Princess) Charming and live happily ever after without any moments of stress or discord --is a huge falsity. Even if you find your soul mate, you’ll be faced with challenges and disagreements at times.

If you’re actively pursuing a relationship, you might be saying to yourself, “I’m not happy unless I’m in a relationship” or “There’s something wrong with me if I’m not in a relationship.” This isn’t true. There are a lot of happy single people in the world. Completion and happiness can’t come solely from a loving relationship with another person. Loving relationships succeed only when both partners already are happy and complete within themselves. A partner should complement an already fulfilled life, not complete an unfulfilled one. When two complete individuals unite together in their life’s journey, they have the capacity to create the loving, passionate, committed relationship they desire.

So be happy with yourself. Fulfill your goals and take charge of your life. Everything will just fall into place.