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The Online Dating Phenomenon
Cebu Daily News
August 3 , 2005
Page 19 - 20

MEETING people online has become more mainstream in recent years. Until lately, there had been a catch: the weird factor, tales of psychos, pedophiles, rapists, and other miscasts of society lurking within a screen name and a simple, approachable profile. Now, those cloak-and-dagger days are number ed, maybe even vanishing, as it seems like every one from your next door neighbor to your teacher in high school, uses the Internet to find classmates, colleagues, similar hobbyists - even love. According to msnbc.com, virtual matchmaking has become the Internet's third killer app, behind e-mail and the web.

Niche web communities, like homegrown itzamatch.com, allow directed searches on everything from hair color, to height, from zip code to educational attainment, then provide some kind of computerized matchmaking via the site administrators. And just like more bidders mean higher prices for auction sellers, more personal subscribers mean more possible dates. The dating site is generally free, while subscribers log in and edit their profiles and photos for as often as they deem suited.
In online dating sites, the primary element is simple: the subscribers have to be single, one way or another. So they could be bachelors or bachelorettes; straight; gay; in a relationship yet still single; newly single due to widowhood, separation, divorce, annulment or canceled engagement. The singles population is constantly changing, with children coming of age, breakups and separations - and marketers and entrepreneurs are taking due notice.

Meeting people: Getting conversations started
It's hard to get someone virtually talking when the nature of cyber-communication (unless you're in "IM" mode) is relentlessly one-way. Certainly you want to k now the basics about your boy or girl: age, height, weight, profession, religion, interests and so on. But here are five questions that can stimulate some insightful answers from your potential future honey:
* If you were marooned on a desert island, what three things would you want to have with you?
* If you could invite 10 well-known people (from any era) to a dinner party, who would they be?
* Not to be morbid, but what do you hope your epitaph says?
* Would you rather have fame, wealth or romantic happiness?
* When was the last time you cried and what brought on the waterworks?

After you've read his or her answers to these questions, you'll have a pretty good idea of what makes him tick and whether or not you want to move the relationship from e- to telecommunications.

The Do's and Don'ts of online dating
The art of making a good first impression has changed considerably with the advent of online dating. Using this medium, it is not necessary to check if there's lipstick on your teeth but rather if there are typos in your profile. And how can you tell if the guy or girl who sounds so great online is the real thing? Most importantly, once you and a cyberbeau initially - pardon the pun - click, how can you gracefully move it offline? Here are the do's and don'ts of e-mail courtship:

1. May I Have This Dance? Feel free to initiate contact with a potential Mr. or Ms. Right Match. As in real life, male online daters commonly make the first move, so a note from an attractive woman like you will be the highlight of his day. Keep it short but include something that shows you relate to particulars in his ad: "I was drawn to your love of swing dancing." He wants to feel singled out, not receive a cookie-cutter response that could be sent to every person on the site.

2. Capital Offenses. Your mom likely told you it is rude to shout, but she didn't forewarn you that USING CAPS IN YOUR EMAILS is the same as yelling. The woman who gave you life probably also neglected to advise you to beware of men and women whose sole communication is via "winks" (an option to contact another member to convey interest, without writing a message — or paying), one-word responses and "collect calls." The former two are lazy with a side order of obnoxiousness; the latter expects you to pay for the privilege of receiving his e-mail. Online dater Sharon Hofile�a has her list of top tacky transgressions. "Obviously looks are important and you should expect the other person will want a photo. But when the first thing a respondent asks is, 'Do you have a picture?' often when he hasn't posted one, my radar is up."

3. Just Say No. Women typically get swamped in e-mails, so they let slide the ones from men that don't interest them. While not a cardinal offense, it's a little cruel to keep him hanging. Send an acknowledgment along the lines of, "I'm complimented that such a great guy wants to know me a little better. Unfortunately I don't see us as compatible. But thank you so much for writing and best of luck."

4. Honesty Lite. It's important to tell the truth. However, don't tell too much too soon. A little mystery is better than a lengthy soap opera detailing all that analysis has taught you. Give the essentials with a positive spin. For example, it's important for him to know you're a single mother. But don't complain about your stresses. Instead, share that while you love your kids, it's time for you to develop a personal life. At this early stage it's also important to share information that might quickly uncover a major incompatibility. Say he's allergic to animals and you have two kittens. Or you're a vegetarian and he's a butcher with a rib roast fixation. And he'll realize you're a night owl if the timestamps on your e-mails are 2 a.m. rather than 8 p.m. Better to suss out potential roadblocks sooner than later.

5. From Computer to Coffeehouse. Resist the temptation to get caught up in an online love affair where each of you writes increasingly lengthy and intimate life histories. It's impossible to discover whether you're suited until you're sharing oxygen. How many e-mails should it take before you get together? As online dater Anthony Suico advices, "Emailing back and forth for a month never works. Once a mutual agreement is made that there is interest, it's best to meet in a public place as soon as possible." Suico also says it best to set up a phone call and/or a date after two or three reciprocated e-mails. "Prolonged e-mails are a waste of time," he stressed. .

6. Post-Date Email. Scenario 1: If you like the guy and don't hear from him within a few days, it's fine to shoot off a quick e-mail: "Thanks for the drink and the fun company. I really enjoyed meeting you." He'll either contact you for a date or not. If it's "or not," cut your losses and move on. Scenario 2: You don't like the guy and he keeps bugging you for a return engagement. Just send a quick note: "While I truly enjoyed meeting you, I just didn't feel we were compatible enough to pursue a relationship. But I wish you all the best."